Stop Me or I'll Sing Again

Gosh! November 22nd? Has it been that long?

Honestly. I was taking a little time off. A break to reinvigorate the fertile writing juices flowing through the Vas deferens tubes of my creative humor. Plus I'd been spending some time working closely with the Obama Administration on the Stimulus package until it came to my attention that they didn't really need another humorist.

So. Yesterday I was doing some important research on inflation over at the Betty's Big'uns web page when I received a notice that a 'Brent Diggs' had posted a commentary on my Myspace page.

Since I couldn't recall knowing a Brent Diggs, I initially assumed it was some kind of multi-level marketing scam. I mean, Brent Diggs ha ha! Obviously one of those randomly generated names like Sanjay Gupda that infest my email inbox with headings like "You Plenty Satisfy-Big Kielbasa!"

Well imagine my surprise to find out that Brent Diggs is a fairly consistent 'nom de plume' for the Author of the Ominous Comma! (Personally, I would have thought of a more realistic name, but Brent Diggs does at least have the benefit of being faintly ridiculous.)

Not only did Brent waste a great deal of magnetic ink writing about my absence from the bloggo-sphere, but he even composed a ditty* about me and placed it on Youtube.

*dit'ty (dit'i) n,; A short, often criminally actionable fragment of doggerel with less socially redeeming significance then "We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun." See: Copy right infringement; Peter, Paul and Mary.




Thus proving my contention that a failing economy can best be recognized and tracked by the amount of free time available to humor writers.

Brent. I'm touched. And I'm also pretty sure that THAT is covered under the restraining order.

Nevertheless, in the interest of public safety, I will yield your terrorist extortion and begin to reignite the humor-reading world with swamp-gas-like explosions of written mirth.

This kind of video-musical madness must be stopped. Or we will soon be seeing LOBO doing free-style Rap.

And nobody wants that.

Cow Boy

Just got a new cow in today. Last night actually. This one, unlike our Dexters (An old Irish breed, small and dual purpose: milk and meat.) is a Jersey who's sole existence in life as far human relations go, is to provide milk.

Lots and lots of milk.

Gallons of the stuff.

Daily.

She looks like a bone frame covered in skin attacked to a giant bag of milk.

The problem of course is they forgot to install an efficient faucet on that bag. I suspect it's an English design thing. There are four nozzles or, and here I blush: teats, that one is supposed to yank on with a sort of top-down squeezing motion. This isn't as easy as it sounds, and its all complicated by the fact that the boney frame holding the sack keeps moving about. She doesn't seem to be doing it with malice, but she does seem to be incredibly adept at either kicking the bucket over just as you finally get almost enough milk to transfer to the larger pail or putting her hoof down on your foot.

When I say your foot, I don't mean my foot. I actually refer to my wife's foot. But I was right there, psychically sharing the pain with her- which according to my wife isn't quite the same as actually sharing the pain.

We got her cheap from a dairy over in Washington. (The cow, not my wife. I got her (wife) from California a lot of years ago.) Seems she's a very good producer (cow), but doesn't work on a milking machine and I think the dairy owner was getting a little tired of having to hand milk her. I can't blame her because I'm already tired of it and that's only from watching my wife do all the work.

We've kept her in the corral so far, separated from our other cows, to let her get used to the new location and the strange hands groping at her (blush) teats. (Third base on the first date.) This hasn't stopped our bull, Zeus, from trying to find a way into the corral to check out his new harem member.

It's pretty funny, because being a short legged Dexter bull, it's kind of like watching a macho Pekingese chatting up an Irish wolf hound. He's out there, pushing at the fence and bellowing out the bullish equivalents of "What's your sign?" and "Come here often?" And no doubt trying to figure out how to get her to a convenient ditch to make his amorous attempts a little easier on his tiny legs.

This is all going to take a few adjustments for us all.

I Ain't A'feared of Nobody!

I am pleased to announce that the Don Lewis for President Campaign is reaching new levels of excitement! As you can see from the map below, we obviously have grown exponentially in committed supporters. (Many of our supporters are not committed yet, but the Court Orders are pending.)




And there is more good news. In a recent nation-wide survey, there are powerful indications of broad name recognition. Over ninety percent of respondents recognized the name Don. And nearly half as many knew someone with the last name of Lewis. (Margin of error: plus or minus 50 percent.)

And thanks to our blood plasma sales fundraiser, we still have close to 35 dollars in the campaign war chest.

While Obama and McCain continue to fall in the polls relative to my own meteoric or cometic rise as the case may be, I do feel it necessary to address the rather laughable campaign of one John B. Nobody.

John B. Nobody

(I don't trust him. He's got shifty eyes.)

I was made aware of this Nobody's campaign after receiving several disturbing notes from LOBO, my occasional nemesis and apparently Mr. Nobody's running mate.



Knowing little about this Nobody, I decided to Google him. The following are some of the shocking headlines and news stories I found


Girl’s Death Is `Nobody's Fault’
Los Angeles Times, July 01 2006

New year death 'Nobody's fault'
BBC, 16 OCT 2008

When is it Nobody’s Fault?
Jan 7, 2008 Overlawered blog.

"The fact is that sometimes bad things happen
in hospitals which are Nobody’s fault."


"Nobody lies to Google"
Meadows-Klue on Media Oct 31. 2005

Nobody Died When Clinton Lied
(Is it possible we are now dealing with an impostor?)


Golisano Cites an Old Scandal
- New York Times
"Nobody was convicted of selling paroles...


Japanese Whaling in Sanctuary is ILLEGAL
Greenpeace ...
"In 30 years and over 200 off-shore voyages Nobody was convicted."


Lewinsky's Leap From 'Nobody' To News
01-22-98 CNN

John Edwards and the Scandal Nobody Wanted
- Political Machine Jul 29, 2008 news.aol.com
"... But nobody wants to touch it..."




Apparently some believe that Nobody is above the law. Let's show them that they are wrong. Vote for somebody. Vote for me.


--------------------------

My Debate with Nobody can be seen (soonish) at Radioactive Liberty. Don't worry. Even debating Nobody, I'll still be entertaining.

Taking a LEAP

Good day my fellow Americans. (And long-term visitors from sunny climes.)

Having resumed my campaign, I want to take this opportunity to address the nation about our current financial troubles. As you are aware, Congress, initially bravely holding out against the insanity of massive deficit spending to the tune of 700 billion dollars finally agreed to a compromise proposal that only added an additional 150 billion dollars of vital economic stimulus expenditures like the Barney Frank Peace and Justice Bathhouse and the Strategic Congressional Re-election Reserve.

Congressman Barney Frank, coming to grips with a deficit.

However, it is entirely unfair to try to blame this boondoggle on the Congress or the White House. As I noted previously, the poor bear most of the responsibility for the coming world-wide depression by actually believing the government.

And banks and mortgage companies must also be held accountable.

Sure, the banks were told that if they didn't make loans to people without last names they would be investigated to within an inch of their fiduciaries, and yes, they were also told that they could then sell any non-compliant loans to government backed mortgage consolidators with names from Petticoat Junction, but honestly, I know I'd turn down a sure thing in exchange for an anal exam by Janet Reno any day.

And I bet you would too.

However, creating a bail-out scheme revolving around giving great gobs of non-existent money to the same people who were at least co-conspirators in this whole mess does seem a bit icky.

That's why I am proposing the Lewis Economic Accountability Plan (LEAP). Rather than sending trillions of dollars to banks and brokerage firms, LEAP would create a true economic stimulus by giving every American 100 million dollars. The total outlay by the Government would be somewhere in the neighborhood of ah... carry the one... (about a block and a half) - thirty quadrillion dollars, or for the reading impaired:

$30,000,000,000,000,000.98

Now I know a lot of you are saying, "Come on Don! The US doesn't have that kind of money!" Well, technically that's true. But ask yourself this. Where did the 850 billion we've just spent come from? That's right! It came from a IBM PC at the Federal Reserve that has a sticky zero key! All the Fed has to do is wait to pry the key up after just six more zeros, and the money is as good as in your cookie jar.

Naturally, we don't actually have that kind of money sitting around in currency. And at the current rate of printing at the BEP, (Union workers after all.) it would take about three thousand years, just in twenties alone. But fortunately a solution already exists.

Monopoly Money!

Under my LEAP, each American is authorized to add six zeros to 100 Monopoly dollars. I know we can trust you all to stop at one hundred.

The use of Monopoly Money is designed to
cut down on the possibility of counterfeiting.

But what about inflation you ask?

Here's where my plan gets totally brilliant! Taking a page from Richard Nixon, I, as your President would immediately declare a total nation-wide price freeze! In fact, not only would I freeze prices, I'd roll them back to the summer of 1975! (This date was not chosen randomly, but was actually picked as being the high point of my life.)

There are still a few niggling details to iron out, like how to make change on a million dollar bill for a nine dollar case of beer. (It really was the best of times, wasn't it?) But consider; any random group of Americans could pay off the US-Chinese debt with pocket change and still have enough money left over to buy Michigan.

Hmm. Come to think of it, I'm going to roll back the music to 1975 too. Radar Love anyone?

-----------

Special thanks to my latest unrequited love interest, Jamie at The Hussy Housewife for nagging at me to get off my lazy ass and write something. Tomorrow, I will address my only true competition for the Presidency. But not to worry. He's a Nobody.

Yet another Interlude.

Well Gang, I'm off to Oregon for a few days. Back on Wednesday. Don't wait up. I'm suspending my Campaign until then. I figure this is a good plan. Look what it did for McCain.

Cheers,

Don

A modest Proposal

Obviously it's time for me, as the Candidate of Last Resort and as a noted financial and economic expert, to speak to you, the Nation, about this whole credit and bank thingy.

Everyone is pointing fingers, trying desperately to pass the buck. The Democrats say it's Bushs' fault. The Republicans are blaming it on the Democrats. McCain seems to suspect the North Vietnamese and Obama is looking suspiciously at bitter clingers like Palin. And everyone hates Wall Street: even Wall Street.

But ask yourself this question. What one group, what one special interest has managed so far to escape the scrutiny that could reveal all?

Of Course, I'm referring to "The Poor".

I know what you're thinking. "Don" you say, "You've got to get back on your meds. The Poor just don't have the political and economic clout necessary to cause the melt down of the greatest fun-house mirror economy of all times!"

That my fellow Americans is just what they want you to think.

Oh sure the poor look wretched. Yes they have the fashion sense of weevils and they smell bad. Good Lord! It makes me nauseous even having to use the toe of my boot to kick them to the gutter as I pass them on the street!

So how can I make the case that the poor are ultimately responsible for forcing the rest of us to have to endure hours of pudgy sweating bureaucrats steaming up our flat screens?

Let's look at the facts.

When the Government of the United States decided that affordable housing was a universal right, like digital TV and medicinal heroin, it was never their intention to extend that concept to the poor. That would be crazy! I mean, they'd be living right next door!

Inter-economical dating would surely follow.

No. It's one thing to help a down-on-his-luck lemur get no-down financing on a split level ranch in the Simi Valley. After all, steady employment at the pharmaceutical labs is a given for our simian companions.

But the Poor opportunistically jumped in, taking unfair advantage of a loop-hole by claiming a broad genetic hominid relationship.

So. What can be done about this? As your President, I will use my emergency powers to set the might of US Industry to solving this thorny problem. I will authorize the destruction of whole national forests to make the pulp necessary for the creation of millions of refrigerator boxes. I will increase the Strategic Muscatel Reserve by millions of barrels. Then, using tactics developed during the settling of our great nation, I will post advertisements on national television during shows like "My name is Earl" to inform the Poor that the Government has made a "Reservation" for them at a vacation retreat near Senator Reed's place in Nevada. Thus returning the natural balance. The resulting empty houses will be fumigated and re-sold to humans.

Thank you America. And good night.

By the way. I ran across a really good humor blog the other night. It's called "My Suburban can run over your Minivan....and will". At first you will think it's just another Mommy Blog. But look deeper. Can't you just sense the underlying madness? I can. And It's funny too. Give it a try. Another fine humor blogger from Idaho.